this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
