just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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