You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
