I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We are two peas in an std pod
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
