just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
