the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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