Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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