I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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