This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
