whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
