I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
