I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
