I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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