I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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