I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
