Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Come see our sink grown plant.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
