He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
