I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
