i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
