that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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