Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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