this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
