guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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