Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
