tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
