last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My dick has a subreddit
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
