I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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