Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
