Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
