I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize