if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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