I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
