barbara walters just said penis...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
