remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
operation have a gay friend backfired
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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