Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
