I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize