John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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