How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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