I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
