nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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