You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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