wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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