at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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