i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize