...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
