I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
FUCK WHALES
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
