I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
