i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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