Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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