Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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