dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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