Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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