the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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