So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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